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Jan. 23rd, 2015

Now

I have been having nightmares again. The really awful, feel like they are real, wake up exhausted kind of dreams where I feel so lonely and broken when I wake up.
They either consist of my past dredging up memories I didn't even know I had or of the things, the people, person I've lost.
Life is so different today then what I thought it would ever be. And don't get me wrong I spend so many days, so much time and the majority of my life being happier then I expected. But at the same time I miss what I've lost. I try not to. I try to know that we are both better off being apart.
When we are happy we are deliriously on a high totally perfectly happy, and when we aren't we are suicidal. It can be scary the emotions and actions we bring out in each other. But life never felt more real, more in color, than when we were with each other.
I don't know if he thinks the same way, if he feels that too. But I like to think he does. I like to think I'm not alone in that.
I just want to sleep again, to actually sleep.
I'm so tired.
So worn out from dream living.
I need someone to talk to.
Someone who gets all this shit.
All this crazy fucking shit.

Dreams, nightmares, go away.
Stop happening
Stop waking me with cold sweat exhaustion.
Stop making my days so long and empty.
Stop making my nights so worthless.
Just let me sleep again.

Fuck these things, these people that caused this.
Fuck this whole awful nightmare.
I have a better life than that, I got out.

I GOT OUT.

Best Friend

Today:
Today I miss you
I wish things wouldn't have changed
Today I wonder what you're doing
What you're thinking.
Today I hope you're happy
But I wonder if you think of me,
Today I hope you know how sorry I am
I hope you know the friend I tried to be,
Today I want you to be everything
Everything you ever wanted,
And everything that is better than what we had.

Today I hope you know I love you,
I love you tomorrow too.

Mar. 25th, 2014

grey skies...

Moved across the country, new state, new city, new home, new everything almost.
So far it kinda sucks, trying to be optimistic and proactive in liking it here. But it's not super easy. Outside of the basic things working against me like not working outside the house, and not having a car yet, I'm just not that good at making friends. I like to like people right away, but I do not by any means trust people easily, often or much these days.
The husband is back at work full time, so 5 days a week he's gone all day, up so early that he comes home to eat and fall asleep, or "unwind" to his phone. And I love spending the day with our daughter, I love that I get to stay home with her, and take care of her. But I just need some one older then 4 years old to talk to once in a while.
I promise I really am trying to be optimistic, but I miss our home, I miss what was our home for the last 6 years anyway. I miss the island, and I hate the grey and cold and lonely that's here. What the hell do people do in this city?
Anyway, bitching is over. I just don't have an adult that is available to listen to that so I needed to say it.
I'm trying to write again, not making much progress, but I am trying. I miss writing. I need it, and I know that in just a couple I am really not going to have much time to myself again for awhile. So I really better take advantage of what I have now.
Now to just do something about this giant mental block I have now. I hate having the drive to write with out the ideas.
Anyway, I guess that's all. I really just needed a sounding board, today has been just one of those days.

Jul. 20th, 2013

A happily, which never ends after.

What is the definition to happily ever after?
I think that the answer to that is something that which never ends.
How can any thing be fairy tale quality? It doesn't happen in real life, people, human, were all too fallible... We ruin all things. We damage and break and destroy all things good. And when we come across something that may be slightly of quality we find a way to bury and burn that too.
Life is a stupid mix of chance and selfishness. I hate it all. I hate every moment of what might have been and what might have happened if we had all done something differently. But the thing is we will never do anything differently. Because we are too self absorbed to be anything but, well self absorbed.
We do what we want when we want how we want.
Life is a silly mix of games we try to play. The game of being successful, the game of being wanted and loved, the game of being noticed. It's a huge drunken clusterfuck mess of things we want to have and want to be.
Anyway I will end on this note. I am (as so many of us are) not in a place I thought I would be when I imagined my life during my highschool years. Deja Entendu

Dreams, that which reality kills....

Once years ago when I was 19, as in when I first started this blog I had dreams. I had so many of them that I didn't know how I was going to fit them into on life time. I wanted to write a book, to travel the world, maybe change something, something important. But I don't feel that I have done any of those things. I am now 25 and I have some wonderful things. I have amazing friends, and a beautiful daughter. A good husband. But some how I still feel like I'm waiting for life to begin. In fact I feel like one day I'll wake up about ready to die and find that nothing I thought my life would be had even yet begun. I don't understand this, I don't think that I could even put into words what cycles though my mind, but it's so messy so hurt and damaged. I wish I hadn't had entered that path which so changed my life. Yet at the same time I feel like I could help someone if only I could harness these lessons learned into something productive instead of self damning...... Life is a silly game. A silly game that loves to fuck. To fuck us all. Entendu.

Jul. 18th, 2013

(no subject)

When did life get so messy? Is this all just something we do to ourselves, or something the universe likes to throw at us for laughs? We lie and hurt, betray, destroy, cheat, and systematically ruin the good. When did it become to hard to say what we mean, to live a little more honestly. The least we could do is give those few things to the people we love. Or is it that we don't really love them when we lie and hurt? They say you hurt the ones you love the most, and I suppose that one some level I can understand that. Humans have such a selfish nature. Even infants who come into this would blameless are born with the one sin of selfishness. Babies don't care if you haven't had any sleep when they scream to be fed in the wee hours of the morning. They just want what they want when they want it. We all do, it's something I don't think we ever fully grow out of, it's just something we learn to curb for whatever our personal reason. Though if we were perfectly honest with ourselves we'd all wish we didn't have to curb that.
So I guess what I'm saying is that when this selfishness comes out in us, when we want to do what we want and for one brief moment we give into that temptation and it hurts someone close to us is that why we try to lie to them about it? Because we can't stand to hurt someone we love, but in the end self absorption wins out.
I suppose sometimes selfishness doesn't win, I suppose sometimes a person can go through a relationship and always put the other persons feelings ahead of their own. But that theory is like an old story, one that gets told and retold until no one is sure wether or not the story is true or a fairy tale. I like to think that somewhere out there is someone who puts the ones they love most ahead of themselves, but for now that's just a fairy tale to me.
I will at this point make it clear that in this particular thought I don't mean parents, I mean someone you choose to love, a spouse or significant other. I watched my mom give selflessly for us kids, so I know that story isn't a fairy tale. Though I do acknowledge that sadly enough for many it is.

I suppose that to sum all this up I just wish that I could be the other half of a relationship where selfishness didn't win out so often. And I am at least so much more at peace with myself trying harder to live outside the selfishness that makes me only think of myself. And to put first the one I love so desperately. I hope that, that peace is enough, for now...

Nov. 27th, 2012

Diagnosed....

My psychiatrist says that I have PTSD and am disassociating.
I'd say I'm more anxious paranoid considering I just cleared my own home with a handgun after already being home for 3 hours because I thought I heard something.....
Oh yeah and if I can't cut out my drinking by Christmas I am being sent to ASAP (Army Substance Abuse Program) For those who don't know the acronym)
Merry Freakin' Christmas...
On a lighter note my home looks like Santa barfed in it, which is lovely because I really love Christmas!

Nov. 6th, 2012

Time

Waiting to wake up.
From a life that isn't all my own.
Who's awful life is this?
Who has made all these mistakes?
How do I pull myself out of this dream?
To wake up into a reality that is my own.
I hope when i die I won't hate everything that passes before my eyes.

Nov. 3rd, 2012

....

Fuck this giant mess.
Head jammed against a black metal railing.
People take advantage.
Pants around knees.
Being almost destroyed.
Mulch ground into legs and ass.
He doesn't care.
Thrusting and pushing, groans.
When does this end.
Headlights, yelling, a pink pinstripe shirt.
Alone.
All alone.
Dead parking lot,
discarded like trash
forgotten
used
and
abandoned.

Hope to Stay....

HOPE TO STAY
Hannah M.
-(copyright, 2012)-

She stood behind the counter washing out coffee mugs from the day, her long brunette hair spilling down her back. He
watched her through the window, she was beautiful as ever, and with all the years between them he felt as though it had only
been moments since last he saw her. Talked with her, listened to her laugh, the one that couldn't help but make him smile.
Now here they were, a city of thousands, miles from home and he just happened to look up and see her right in front of him.
After all the time that had passed between them. He had come to this city to leave behind all he had known, he had grown
weary of the small town he had been chained to for so long. All of it's small minded people. So five years ago he had packed
what he had into a duffle and walked away from it all. Eventually ending up in this city, only to be staring at the one person he
could never seem to fully walk away from. He hadn't seen her in years, seven years to be exact. They had stopped talking to
each other, or at least he had stopped talking to her about four of those years ago. It got to be too hard for him to stay so
close, yet be so far. But despite the distance he still couldn't fully let her go. She had gotten out of there small town before he
had. She left and he didn't try hard enough to stop her, or to go after her. But she had met someone, and had taken a chance
on that someone. Eventually he just couldn't take the facade that they had shared, and he dove into life head first, attempting
to leave her behind. Yet here she was, standing just inside this coffee shop natural as could be. He wanted to run to her and
from all at once, but his legs refused to take him in either direction. As he watched she finished with the mugs and turned to
wipe down the counters behind her. He could tell she listening to music as she kind of danced toward the end of the counter.
Suddenly she stopped and looked up, right at him. From the look in her eyes he couldn't tell if she was pleased by the sight of
him or not. But either way he knew she was shocked. He walked into the shop, her notice of him had answered his question
on which way he should go. She didn't say a word as he crossed the tile floor to stand on the other side of the counter from
her.

It had been a normal summer day in the city as she awoke to the sound of voices and car horns outside her bedroom window,
and the smell of fried breakfast foods from the greasy spoon diner across the street, It was beautiful out and despite the
number of people and vehicles passing in the streets below her the heat wasn't so bad yet. She started the coffee pot and
slipped into the bathroom for a quick shower before work. She was singing to herself as she dressed for the day. Pulling on
jeans and buttoning up her top she crossed her room heading for the kitchen and a mug of coffee before her short walk to
the coffee shop around the corner where she worked. Once outside her apartment and down on the sidewalk the heat
poured over her, but she loved it and enjoyed the walk down the block to work in the summer time. She had been working in
the coffee shop for the past year now. She liked her job and loved the smell of fresh hot coffee no matter what temperature
the day decided to be. But making coffee wasn't all she was doing. She was writing too. She was writing and submitting
poems and short stories into magazine publishers waiting for that letter that would say someone wanted what she had to
write. She unlocked the doors to the shop and flipped the lights on as she headed towards the back to turn on the stereo and
coffee pots. After a few minutes she turned the sign on the door to Open Her first customer walked through the doors within
seconds. He was always the first one there after her. Stopping in on his way to work for a large black coffee. Soon the
morning picked up and she flew through lattes, frappes, and cappuccinos. Finally the paced slowed with all the morning
commuters caffeinated and packed into buses and the subway. She began washing out the mugs and singing to one of her
favorite songs as she thought back a little to the events that had led her here. To the man she thought she had loved and had
gone away with, only to watch it all fall apart around her. She had soon after quickly packed and moved across the country to
begin again. She hadn't planned things to go the way they had, and she never guessed that she would end up here. But she
rather liked it for now, She was finally writing again, after years. And one day she knew that she would get something
published, something she had poured herself into, in something more then the tiny magazines that almost no one read. She
worked hard and was proud of herself, proud that she had taken chances. Her best friend had always believed in her. But she
hadn't spoken to him in years. Their timing was always wrong, he finally couldn't take the distance and had slowly stopped
taking her calls or responding to her letters. She hadn't pushed him, and even though she often questioned her decision she
had finally let him go. Years had past and here she was without him, but he was never far from her thoughts. She turned from
the sink and half dancing across the floor over to wipe down the counter tops behind her. Suddenly feeling as though
someone was there she looked up and caught her breath as her thoughts went spinning around. There he was, the one she
had spent so much time missing, there he was watching her from right outside the coffee shop. Walking towards the door,
never taking his eyes from hers.
Time stood quite still for some of them. Neither knew exactly what to say and the everlasting silence was deafening. Finally she
quietly said, Hi. He asked her what she was doing here, how did she end up in the same city working in this coffee shop after
he had known she'd been at the other end of the country. She laughed, briefly as she told him about her former relationship
falling apart and how she had moved here almost directly afterword. He told her about how he had finally left the little town
that they had both come from, and about how often he had moved in the years. She mentioned that aside from working here
she was actually writing again. He was glad to hear that. He knew she had always loved to write and was sad to watch her
give it up years before. She asked him how long he had been right here in this part of the city and a tear threatened to spill
down her cheek. He knew he had broken her heart when he had stopped returning her calls. He watched her in silence for a
minute before he walked around the counter saying how sorry he was. Sorry he had let her go so easily. She was sorry too,
that she had left him behind, and she told him this as he wrapped her up in his arms. He felt exactly as she had remembered
and she breathed him in letting her tears fall now. Once together again neither of them knew how or why they had let the
other go. In moments everything felt right again. The time and distance that had separated them for so long suddenly
seemed to vanish. As much as they had to catch up on and all the time to make up for it was still early in the day and she had
her shift to finish. He had errands of his own as well. So they promised to meet up again just as soon as she was off work for
the day. She told him where her apartment was and he promised to meet her there not a minute late. He again pulled her into
him kissing her deeply before turing to walk back outside to greet the heat of the day. He hardly noticed a thing as he walked
down the sidewalk. She was the only thing on his mind, and this time their timing was just perfect.

By ten till four he was still stuck in his interview counting the seconds as the clock on the wall ticked them off. At four he needed
to be three blocks over and waiting by her apartment door. His interview finally ended, even though by now he hardly cared
about the job they had offered him a second interview later in the week. He shook hands and as quickly as was polite he
exited the building and began down the street in the direction of her apartment building.
The clock on the wall finally hit four and her replacement behind the counter arrived not a minute too soon. Beaming she greeted
her friend and coworker, who wanted to know what her ear to ear smile was all about. But there was no time for explanations
and she promised one for tomorrow as the front door closed behind her. Hurrying down the street she had one thing on her
mind, and that was seeing him on her front stoop. She was thinking of everything and nothing all at once. Her mind was
racing with thoughts of him refusing to settle on one single thought. Which was why she forgot to look to the left as she
stepped out to cross the street in front of her.
The sun was beginning to set behind the trees the wind that blew about them was bitter cold and cut through to his bones. But he
didn't pull his coat closer to block it out. He didn't even notice the cold, with his eyes on the shadows that the trees were
beginning to draw across the ground. He stood perfectly still trying not to think at all. He couldn't remember how long he had
been standing like this, but he knew the sun had been much higher in the sky. He'd lost Hope. But this time for good. Or at
least that is how it had felt to him for so long now. He looked down at the place he had refused to come to for so long. As he
finally let his thoughts settle and he thought about the letter he had received the week before. The one that her sister had
found between the pages of a book, the one that had his name on the envelope and the date from years ago on the first
page. He had memorized every line in that letter. She had told him she loved him in that letter, how she always had. And how
when she thought he didn't return those feelings she had tried to talk herself out of it. But she never could and that was what
had led her away to the city, to that coffee shop to wait for another chance. A chance to find him, and refuse to let him walk
away. Because in the end she realized that she belonged to him, that she really always had. She was his, he had taken so
long to see that, too long. But she was and always would be his Hope.
He smiled slightly, the first one in months as her stooped down to lay the wild flowers and note in his hands down at her grave.
And laying a kiss from his hand to the ground he stood and began to walk away. The icy wind snatched at his hair and
grabbed up the note he had laid at her head. Swirling the words I'v always belonged to you too Hope through the evening air.

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